Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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