I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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