her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
