If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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