My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize