from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
