so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
