We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
