i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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