Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Sober January is a disaster.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
