I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
