did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just google imaged poop.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
