dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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