apparently the secret to your success is patron
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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