Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
