just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
