drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
