I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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