im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize