I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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