im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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