This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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