no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
did i walk over a car last night?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
