Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
