Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
