I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
