Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
