Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
