White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
