I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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