i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
