I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
