My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
