apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
