I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
