My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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