Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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