my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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