Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize