I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
