Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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