So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
