Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
