JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
