6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize