Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
