It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
