I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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