checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
