I wish my penis had an off switch
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
