When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
