Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
