I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I still have a little drunk in my system
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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