She went from zero to smokin in five shots
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
