Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
