I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We're too hungover to prance.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
