one two three fourrrrnication!
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
