i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
