just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize