i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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