The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
