you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
