My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Too much gin, very little bucket
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
