Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
