Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize