i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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