Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
