I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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