i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
