Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
